I've been quiet for awhile. My husband and I separated last month, and during the time leading up to that, and now the time immediately following, I've been in a bit of a scramble to find my footing and re-vision my life.
One thing I'm having trouble coming to grips with is becoming a single mom. Sure, D and I co-parent, but I still have the kids on my own a lot and it's ... well, a lot.
It's been pressing my guilt button about relinquishing my first daughter. Back then, one reason I believed vehemently that I needed to relinquish is that I thought being raised by a single mom would make my daughter seriously disadvantaged. I thought that we'd always be struggling financially, our lives would lack structure, and she'd always have a second-rate life.
And now here I am, with two young kids, struggling financially and lacking structure. And the clincher is, I chose this.
That's right, we had the whole family thing kicking. Two parents, double income, nice place to live, great meals every night, etc. And I chose to leave, which means that I chose the life for these two kids that I thought was absolutely not good enough for my first daughter.
That stings. I see now that it does affect the kids, but that they're still closely bonded to me and are actually doing okay. Despite financial struggle, we always have enough to eat and a roof over our heads. We do a lot of childcare swaps and are involved in a couple of supportive communities. It helps that their dad is so involved. But even as far as their experience with just me goes, we're actually okay. And I could have been okay with my first daughter. She would have been okay with me. I see that now.
Of course, I've done more than 13 years of growing up since that time, and the relinquishment itself was one of the biggest catalysts I've ever had in terms of personal growth. Without that experience, in which I had to pick myself up off the ground and go on living, I might not have had the faith in my resilience that allowed me to leave a marriage that wasn't working for me. I might have doubted the resilience of my children. I might have denied my ability to walk headlong into heartbreak and not lose faith.
And so here I am again at a junction that feels both familiar and foreign. I'm feeling a deep gratitude that this time I have the confidence, resilience, and support I need to know -- really know -- that we'll all be okay, together.
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I was in a miserable marriage for 16 years. Living a very comfortable life and my 5 kids had all they could need.But a happy mom. I was being sacraficed. and for a time I allowed it till the kids got older. Once I did make the break I had come to a place that "I don't care if I struggle financially, I don't care if I live in a Mission st motel, I am losing myself" I had stopped growing, stopped becoming the woman I wanted to be, I was stuck in loathing and running desperate and wreckless. But once I did make the break I was wonderfully happy and my bond with my kids was as close as ever. Especially since we had to talk about our or their open wounds not only from being a product of a collapsed family unit but just their daily lives in general. Doors of communicaton had been opened between us. I can't say as much for my ex. I did try to make it a peaceful divorce. Even agreeing to not go through lawyers but coming to agreeable terms for our sepration. I didn't want to get over on him, I just wanted my freedom. all in all I don't regret getting out of that rotting marriage.
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