Post-adoption support group etiquette

Group dynamics seem to follow similar patterns whether the group has gathered for a corporate meeting, a class, or a birthday party.

In any group there are those who are more comfortable talking with strangers, and people who prefer to watch and listen before deciding who to chat with. Some people need to talk through something in order to understand it, others need to feel that they fully understand the subject before they comment. These are traits that are part of the overall personality of each person - we're wired the way we're wired.

Post-adoption support groups are no different. In the groups I've attended and facilitated, some people are much more comfortable sharing their stories and emotions right off the bat, while others need to be there a few times before they venture into anything beyond mere facts. There's merit to both of these approaches.

The tricky part of being in a post-adoption support group is that what we get out of it largely depends on what we put into it. And with all of these different personalities and preferences, it's not easy to completely level the playing field. Do you give everyone equal time to talk, despite the fact that one person has lots to share and another might be feeling more reserved? If you tend to be more of an observer, are you able to identify when you need to be heard or do you tend to stay quiet and then leave feeling a little disappointed? For those who need to talk through their thoughts, are you able to stay aware of how long or how much you've been sharing, and who else may be waiting for their chance?

The Post Adoption Center for Education and Research (PACER) publishes some Ground Rules for Support Groups. Their approach is to give each person equal time to talk, and to request that there be no "cross talk" - interrupting the speaker with questions, clarifications, or "That reminds me of the time I..." type stories. No feedback is offered unless the person speaking requests it specifically. PACER also does a great job of emphasizing the confidentiality of the group and general meeting structure, like starting and ending on time, what to do if you arrive late, etc. The emphasis is definitely on listening and just being together, and the guidelines have obviously been created to enccourage that type of environment.

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng