The promise of permanency

Today as I am pulling into our parking spot, my 4-year-old son says suddenly, "Mom, I don't ever want to live with another family. I don't want to have another mom."

I shut the car off and turn to look him in the eye. "Sweetheart, you will always be in our family. And I will always will be your mom, as long as I'm alive."

This is the second conversation we've had about the topic this week. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'm going to bring it up tomorrow to see if I can get him to talk about what he's afraid of. It's possible that he's processing what he knows about this mysterious older sister that we talk about sometimes, the sister that started out as my baby and then went to live with another family. He sometimes asks if he can see her, and he wants to know why he can't. He asks when he will be able to see her. A couple of times he's asked why she doesn't live with us.

When this comes up I try to emphasize all of the differences between then and now. "When she was born a long, long time ago I was young and things were very different. I couldn't take care of her the way that I take really good care of you and E. So she is being raised in another family." I keep fighting the urge to tell him that our family will be together forever and I'll never be apart from him. I walk the fine line between reassuring him that I'm here to stay and making false claims about my own immortality.

Today he sits in his carseat and thinks about it some more. "Even when I'm a grown-up, I can still be in our family?"

"Yes," I tell him emphatically,"Even when you're a grown-up I'll still be your mom and you'll still be my son." I find these words strangely reassuring myself.

"I can still live with you when I'm a grown-up?" He sounds hopeful now.

Okay, I see where this is going. Poor kid, he's probably also worried about outgrowing his place in our family.

I explain that even when he's a grown-up I will still be his mom, just like Grandma is still my mom. And even if he lives by himself or with another grown-up, and even if he has his own kids, we will still all be a family.

He looks out the window for a moment, and then his face gets a big grin. "Even when I'm a giant and need a giant house?" He laughs and I laugh and that's it. For now.