Adoption advice from "Dear Prudence"

Last week Slate.com ran a Q&A about relationships in an open adoption in their "Dear Prudence" column. Scroll down to the last question on the page. A parent writes in after his or her daughter, who was adopted through an open adoption, expresses that she doesn't want to see her birth family right now.

Prudie wisely suggests that this girl not be forced to see them if she needs to pull back, but that her parents maintain contact with the birth family -- if she wants to renew those relationships later, she can. Sounds reasonable to me.

Prudie threw me for a loop at the end, though, when she suggests that the adoptive parents just tell the birth family that "as she's becoming a very busy teenager, you're going to take a break from the get-togethers."

As a birthparent, I would be pretty confused to suddenly have the parent suggest that the child was suddenly too busy for contact with me.

At the same time, what a tricky situation! How do you tell the birth family that your daughter needs some space from the visits?

I admit it, I lean toward wanting more openness in adoption, whenever it's safe and appropriate to do so. On that note, if openness is the goal, like it appears to be here, what if that goal extended to all of the people involved? Open adoption is about more than just speaking freely with the child.

I'm sure that not everyone would agree with this approach, but another option would be to tell the birth family that the child has expressed that she would like some space from the visits. You don't know fully what that's about, but you'd like to honor it while she processes whatever it is that's on her mind. You'll be sure to give updates every couple of months and you'd like to be sure to maintain the connection with them, regardless.

It may cause some hurt feelings or protests, but it's truthful and kind. A step in the right direction, in my opinion.

Even though I don't agree 100% with Prudie's advice, I am actually really happy to see that talking about adoption is becoming common enough to make it into a popular column.