There’s a couple in Minnesota who really wants to adopt a newborn baby. And I mean really. As part of their all-out campaign, they’re out handing out business cards and leaving flyers at local businesses, wearing T-shirts announcing their quest for a baby. They’ve put a sign in their yard and a magnetic sign on their car.
According to the article in the Star Tribune, they registered with an agency a few years ago, did the home study and all of the other necessary things, but a baby just hasn’t come yet so they’re taking matters into their own hands.
While I’m usually one to applaud ambition and hard work toward your dreams, I have to wonder what’s going on here behind the scenes. They explain in the article that they don’t want to adopt internationally because they’re too old to qualify for adoption from some countries, and they are put off by all of the red tape that can be involved. They say they want it to be an infant or toddler so the child can grow up bilingual, as the man’s native language is French.
Yet one of the most obvious answers is staring them in the face as they race around searching. What about foster care? There are so many children in America in foster care who are still young enough to learn a language fluently, if that truly is a top priority. And as far as our priorities go, kids have a great way of taking their own course regardless of what life we’ve dreamed up for them. (I dreamed I’d have a kid who is mellow and compliant, and the entire universe laughed as my son was born.)
So we have a couple spending time and money in search of a child, while non-profits and social service agencies are spending time and money in search of families to adopt children in foster care.
I understand that there are pervasive fears sometimes about adopting kids from foster care. I also wouldn’t want to push someone to adopt a child who may have needs they can’t handle. But really, you never know what needs a child will have or what will arise regardless of where their life began.
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Awesome post! I totally agree on all counts. I wish everyone in the triad--I mean EVERYONE, even those who have not yet joined (esp. prospective adoptive parents)--would seek to fully understand these issues from all different perspectives. Because adoption is so complex and so often misunderstood by those whose hearts are in the right place and can really make a difference.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I want to adopt all the kids in foster care right now, every single one!
It is true that you never know what needs a child will have or what will arise regardless of where their life began. It is also true that many if not most of the kids in the child welfare system (at least from my own research in my state, as I had considered this) do have known, significant special needs and it is a big commitment to consciously choose to take those on.
ReplyDeleteBecause a large percentage of those who decide to adopt are infertile, I would like to share something of that perspective.
Very often, infertiles go through many years of trauma and loss before reaching the point of considering adoption. Very often, they are so ground-down by what they have been through that, although they cling to an ever fragile and fading dream of being a parent one day, their emotional resources are so depleted that the idea of knowingly walking immediately into another guaranteed tough situation (which is different from conceiving or adopting an infant and the possibility of that child developing some serious issue down the road) is just...too much. Also, many in this situation will not be open to foster-to-adopt because they have already been through many losses and the idea of bonding with a child and having it then yanked away and returned to the birth parents is, again, just...too much.
It took me seven years to have a child, five years of going through invasive and intensive medical treatments and many pregnancy losses. I persisted with treatments for so long because I happened to have insurance coverage (otherwise, I never could have afforded to do so). Honestly, there was a time when I would have preferred to adopt, because what I was going through was so damaging to me, but I could not afford an agency or private adoption and I knew I didn't have it in me to adopt a special-needs child from the child welfare system. We knew that committing ourselves to a situation that we knew we did not have the emotional resources to handle wouldn't have been a good thing for us or for a child with special needs.
(continuing...)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure people have said things to birthmothers that are presumptuous and upsetting (such as the link you posted to the article about why telling a birthmom she "made the right decision" can be harmful). As an infertile, people say more presumptuous and upsetting things than you can imagine. One of those is "Why don't you just adopt?" (as if choosing to adopt is necessarily an easy decision or as if it is as simple as going down to the corner store and picking up a baby) and one variant is "There are so many kids in the foster system who need parents, so why don't you just adopt one of them?" (with the implication that they are selfish if they don't and that it is uniquely the responsibility of the infertiles of the world to parent these kids who have lost their parents, in one way or another).
This idea of "Hey, you want a child and these children need parents!" is presented like "1 + 1 = 2." Obvious. Clear. But not being in another person's shoes, you don't know what they have been through. You don't know where they are now. You don't know all that is behind the choices they are making.
People suggest these things as if no one had ever thought of them before. Believe me, if you go through hell to try to have a child, you have thought of EVERYTHING. There is nothing you haven't considered, even if you decide and feel very clear that some of those options are just not right for you at the time.
Rather than presuming or even speculating about what is the "right" decision for someone else or groups of someone elses (either in the situation of adoption or infertility), I think it's better to seek understanding of where the other is coming from, of what they need and of how they can be supported in coming to and getting through whatever is the right decision for them.
All of that said, I really want to thank you for this blog. I know many adoptive parents, women I've connected with through various infertility circles, but I have not known many birthmothers and I appreciate the chance to learn more about your experience and what it has been and is still like for you.
Anonymous -- Thank you for sharing your perspective. Yes, it serves no one if a couple adopts a child that has needs above and beyond what they have the emotional resources to deal with, and I commend you for being so clear on that. I'm also glad you brought up the issue of being emotionally depleted from going through infertility treatment and all of those ups and downs. I hadn't considered that.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm just hoping that foster care adoption is researched and considered, even if people ultimately decide not to go that route. The article said that they "they would love any healthy child" and that they've looked at both domestic and international adoption, but it made no mention of any consideration of adoption from foster care. I felt a little sad when I noticed that omission.
Anonymous - I just read your second comment and again I want to thank you for offering your perspective. Your 1+1=2 analogy is a good one, and I realize that my post comes across sounding like I think I have the answer for this couple.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answer for this couple, or for anyone else. I don't know what it feels like to have gone through infertility, and I really appreciate you lending your voice to that.
It's becoming more clear to me as I write this that perhaps what's more upsetting to me is that the article goes into their thought process about international adoption and domestic infant adoption, but it stops there -- almost as if adoption from foster care wasn't even considered. It probably was, though, you're right. Maybe that's just a more difficult subject to talk about. Is it?
And actually...I am now going to stop guessing about their process. Thank you for the gentle reminder.