What open adoption means to my family

Speaking of openness in adoption...

My 4-year-old has been doing a lot of processing about this. I mentioned in an earlier post that he was expressing concern that he'd have to go live with another family and have another mom. When I brought up the subject with him a day or so later, he admitted that he was still worrying about this. I asked if it had anything to do with his older sister, and he ran into his play room and started throwing his trains around, begging, "Why can't I see her? I just want to meet her! Why can't I?"

In the car on the way to preschool later that morning he was still muttering to himself, trying to make sure he got it all straight. "You couldn't take care of her? Is that right, Mom?" he finally asked. So I explained yet again about what my life was like back then and that I didn't think I had what a baby needs, and how my life is much different now and I know I can take good care of him and his sister." He said, "Oh!" in a bright and cheerful voice. I could practically hear a bell ring and see a lightbulb light up in his brain.

It was difficult to not have answers to all of his questions about when (or if) he'll be able to meet his older biological sibling. I don't have any information about what she knows about our family, or if she has any interest. Sometimes I get frustrated with all of my wondering.

But I'm realizing that while I don't know much about the degree of openness in Sweet Pea's family and am not in charge of what they choose to share with me, I have a tremendous opportunity to set the tone in my own family. I choose for us to be very open about adoption. Very. To me this means more than just answering the occasional stray question. It means that I initiate conversations and stay with them through emotions and reactions. That I circle back around and circle back around until I'm convinced that we are really finished with a topic for now. It means that I explain myself over and over, in different ways, until we together find the real question and then come to the answer.